Trust thru Trauma
Recently I saw someone had written ‘Trust builds Respect” and my first reaction went from what a crock of shit to who would come up with this then spew it into the world? I can show respect to some one, say a supervisor, a neighbor, or someone at a grocery store, and not trust them.
After giving this quote some reflection, I realized I have a difficult time with ‘Trust’ due to my history of Trauma. I reserve ‘Trust’ for very few people in my life. The idea of “Trust and Respect” in the same action for the same person or multiple people would be challenging for me because I let very few people into my vulnerable, open space. I view the feelings of Trust and Respect as separate.
This is a result of my trauma. I have lived through many lifetimes of trauma. Sometimes when asked how old I am I say I’ve lived multiple lifetimes already and am unsure how old I actually am. As a woman who grew up in a time when sexual abuse was swept under the rug, and in many cases still is, to making the decision not to go to the police when I was raped out of fear I wouldn’t be believed, to poverty, medical traumas, parental guilt, emotional and physical abuse, to holding my youngest son as his heart beat for the last time, trauma on top of trauma, shit on top of shit, vomit on top of vomit, none of it ok, none of it my fault, all of it my history, all of it part of me, all of it I survived.
I recognize I hold people at a distance, and yet I am able to support people, am able to be a good friend, and care for my family. This is also trauma. My mental health is functional and protects me, yet is the fence that few people are able to access.
I share this because mental health, trauma, abuse, loss, are isolating topics for so many. Whether in a family, in a community, due to race, shamed by religion, not having a support system, many people will not seek out the support needed to address the trauma experienced in order to break through the mental health challenges and build their tool box to live a more positive life. I want to encourage anyone reading this to know that you are not alone, you are loved, and you are worthy. I hope you take the time to seek out individual therapy, focus on you, and take time to care for you. When you care for you, you care for your children, your partner, your family, and your friends. I support you in this moment.
I did not come to this place easily. After my son died, my life imploded. I worked myself crazy to try to ignore grief, I self-medicated with alcohol, I attempted suicide more than once. I finally recognized I needed to change. I needed a life change. I had to focus on me, after having focused on my sons, my family for so long. I sought support groups, individual therapy, employment goals, and lifestyle changes. I had to learn who I was in this new space of time and take the time to work through traumas I had experienced in my life. This took 2 full years and is a daily practice. I would never encourage someone if I was not open to sharing my own journey.
I recognize how hard this is and want to cheer you on as you grow in your positive development. Let’s learn to built Trust and Respect. Maybe we can come to a place of Trust built Respect? Somehow I think we are all a little fucked up. Isn’t that what the Mad Hatter has always said ‘Aren’t we all just a little Mad’? Life allows us to grow, begin new chapters, start new seasons, add tools to our tool box, I’m excited for the next step.
I encourage you to seek out the people you Trust, Respect, and ask for support for the next step in your journey. I’m cheering you on!
