Passionate Footsteps

Pop Evil… Footsteps

‘I’ve been counting all my steps, All my no’s just turned to yes’

If it were only that easy.

‘Silently I must confess, My troubled history, that’s washed away all my sins, Starting over once again’

I can say I’ve lived more than one lifetime in these 40+ years. Each one with troubles, sins, and more than I’d like to confess to.

‘Down is not where I belong, this aching heart won’t turn to stone, there’s a fire inside these bones’

Yes! I have always felt the fire deep inside motivating me, pushing me one step further. I was not going to let the troubles, the sins, the hardships, the stereotypes, the judgements become something to hold me back. I could not, would not fall. I might have to fight harder but somehow I was going to persevere.

‘I still haven’t lost my fight, it haunts me in my sleep’

I am a daughter without a father, a sexual abuse survivor, a rape survivor, a suicide survivor, a teen mom, a mom of premature children, a mom who raised a non-biological child, a mom of a ‘typical’ child, a mom of a child with Autism, mental health challenges and cognitive delays, a mom of a child with multiple medical and intellectual disabilities who died at age 11. I’m an oldest sibling of a large sibling set. I stayed in a marriage too long because of so many reasons but mostly I no longer cared enough about myself and was more focused on my children. I raised my children in poverty and they were aware of it, more than I would have liked. There are so many reasons I could have given up and given in to the darkness, but I never lost the fight. So much haunts me, anxiety and PTSD are my forever companions, but I have a fire inside me and will not lose the fight.

‘I’ve walked an empty mile, Worn down this lonely soul, I’ll take these footsteps, Go Higher, Go Higher’

Sometimes the road to a goal, to the next milestone is long. Sometimes you have to go it alone because this is your goal. I have set goals my entire adult life- sometimes small: I will make it to Friday with this $5.74, no joke, sometimes big: I will learn what I need in order to understand my child’s such and such ___________ doctor, therapist, school case manager. I took trainings online at the library, read books, gathered pamphlets for all kinds of services- I may be poor and have a high school diploma but dammit I was going to get what my kids needed. I didn’t learn all at once but one at a time. Each goal was a step towards another goal. Keep reaching higher, looking forward.

‘I know only time will tell, if all the cards treat me well’

There is no crystal ball for tomorrow, just like I can’t change the moments of my past. I continue to make mistakes, but still set goals to work towards. I reached a new goal recently in my career and recognized how hard I had worked to complete that obstacle. I have goals for the next 2 years that I’m working towards. Reminders to stay present in each day while striving towards progress on a goal can be a bit tricky but when you make a plan set short term and long term expectations, it’ll help keep your focus. This is your life, you can’t leave it all up to the cards.

Your background, history, education, mental health, financial well-being, can all hinder your passion to want life to be better but let’s face it the only person who can change your life… is you, your footsteps have to take you higher. I could lie to you and say it’s easy but it isn’t. It’s hard and there are days giving up still sounds pretty good.

Having a support system even if just one person is vital. Someone who will call you on your Bullshit, someone who will cheer you up when you are in need of a smile, someone who knows how much you are investing to rise above, someone who won’t let you stop. Find this person. Maybe someone you know, maybe someone you haven’t met yet. When you start working towards your goals, you start to meet new people along the way. I spent so much time at the library, the librarians became part of my support system. The library was free, heated in winter, cooled in summer, had activities for children, sometimes provided snacks, had both online access and books, win-win.

Also find time for an individual licensed therapist. There are many free services offered. It’s hard to take the steps forward when so much is still pulling you back. I know I found myself able to make more progress, once I recognized I needed to start caring for me, placing worth on me, start valuing me.

‘I’ve had this dream before, I’ll find you, I’ll take these footsteps, After all, go higher, go higher’

Dream, Dream big! Find yourself, who are you? What do you value in yourself? I know that question was so hard for me to answer not so long ago. I had no identity as me as a single person. I struggled hard to learn and find my own identity. I had to build my self-worth, my self-value, my self-confidence. Find you! Believe in you, take your steps, make progress towards goals and reach higher!

There is so much to be passionate about in each day. Will you take a footstep?