Memories held in Glass

Stone Sour… Through Glass

‘I’m looking at you through the glass, Don’t know how much time has passed, Oh, God it feels like forever But no one ever tells you that forever feels like home. Sitting all alone inside your head.’

I’m in my season. The Halloween holiday fast approaching and no escaping the onslaught on commercials, holiday movies, or products associated to the day. I am working my way into acceptance of the day a little more each year, although I can admit grief is very much my partner, as is the guilt, the shame, the disappointment, all the feelings of ‘I didn’t do enough’.

My son died Halloween night. His body had fought the fight for a long time. Tarryn picked the time and was ready to leave us, but I was not ready for him to leave me. I admit I had many discussions with him about this and thought I’d be prepared, but I clearly was not. And not on Halloween, my favorite holiday of the year.

In my head, I tell myself “Tarryn wants you to celebrate, he loved all of the attention to the day”, but my heart still aches for him. All I can do now is look at his pictures ‘through the glass, remember how much time has passed, it feels like forever, but seeing him feels like home, just me and him, together, yet alone.’

Music is my outlet, has been all my life. Every genre, various artists, I don’t listen to music, I feel music. This song by Stone Sour, resonates with me.

I am not the same person I was when Tarryn died. There are parts of me that remain, but I had to rebuild my identity, my sense of self, my sense of purpose. I am incredibly thankful to have the support system of love and care around me to allow me to figure out my next steps.

‘Before you tell yourself, it’s just a different scene, Remember it’s just different from what you’ve seen’

Yes, my view is different now. I have memories, some fading. I rely on pictures, because I can no longer hold and hug him. I talk to him in quiet moments and wait for a reply, always hoping to hear his laugh or see his smile, even in a dream. ‘It feels like forever and no one ever tells that forever feels like home.’

I look for him in my everyday and in the stars.

‘It’s the stars that shine for you, And it’s the stars that lie to you’

I have to remember Tarryn is with me, even when grief is strongest. Turn the music on and let the next song take hold.

This season will pass and November will bring gratitude for so much. Time to turn the music on.